Kimi B Ley

From life as a beach bum scuba instructor in a bounty ad., to the joys of englandshire-upon-sewageville...Hugs and I'll blow some bubbles for ya

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Spikey honeycomb eel...not unlike me today,grrrr!

The emergence of spikey Kimi

Oh dear, it doesn't happen often, but Kimi is feeling pretty f**king spikey and in need of venting (in the absence of hot,hard lovin'). I doubt this post will remain up on this blog for long, am bound to delete in when in a more reasonable frame of mind, but woman's perogative 'n all that jazz...

Starts with a phone call to the turtle, one of the peeps that had been contacting me concerned about Monsieur Boucher. Joy of f**king joys Boucher's GF's sister had turned up on pp needing to see him, but he had eventually reached the decision not to attend to big clean-up. GF's sister had been having nightmares that GF was lost, which within the thai buddhist/anamist tradition is a sign that the spirit is lost or remaining,ordinarily because they don't want to leave someone that is sad. Knowing how difficult Boucher had been finding things, Turtle had decided to go to phuket and tell him in person as opposed to phoning him.

10 mins later call from Boucher chatting away and mentioning he was going to cancel seeing turtle, and I tried a few encouraging words along the theme of you might feel better for going out, and what about getting him round to yours, blah,blah and of course, luck of the f**king irish I ended up being the person to pass this wonderful news on.I also ended up feeling like utter shite unfit to soil the sole of a peodophiles shoe, and believe ended up in tears, nothing like shooting the messenger eh?

So a few facts in summary (some past context required):

  • Boucher and I stop living together just over a year ago due to my discovery of continuous indiscretions on his part over the course of 2+ yrs.
  • During the on-off periods at the start of the relationship I was lucky enough to hear him f**king a friend of mine, and be put at risk coz he's f**ked an irish clap carrier.
  • Move back to uk, back on again(ish)
  • He returns to pp, begs me to come and stay with him for a month in January, then tells me by email 3 days before xmas that he's met some thai chick,doesn't want a serious relationship, but is kind of living with her. I lose £250 cancellation fee, xmas for Kimi. (Interesting post script he doesn't think we should have contact anymore as otherwise I'll let him keep hurting me for the rest of my life)
  • Tsunami
  • Daily contact, become a cocksmoking martyr helping and supporting him in trying to find his GF, who isn't actually his GF coz he dumped her on xmas eve.
  • 8 weeks on still supporting him, get to phone and talk to him about her family's wishes-how twistedly f**ked up is that?
  • People voicing concern over his mental state asking me to talk to him, or come over and see him

Alright so that is somewhat abridged,pseudo-honest account of a few yrs, but am feeling a lil bitter, jaded and slightly along the lines of why is tis my responsibility?

I haven't heard from Boucher since that call, not that I'd be worried or anything 6000miles away...I am nit noy sick of being reasonable, and elevating myself to the lofty heights of sainthood in a an effort to help him. How many exes would do this? How many would help their ex recover from losing the person that replaced them? How many that only got shat on AGAIN only 4 days before the tsunami would put themselves through this? For what? He takes, and takes and is selfish and I get nothing in return, no thank you, or don't worry I'm having a better coupla days, or this must be quite hard or odd for you too. Pick me up and take what you need when you need it and f**k the rest of the time eh? Am seriously jaded about making the effort, emotional leach springs to mind.

Realise this is very ranty, and actually very female which makes me pretty shitting angry at myself but ENOUGH!!! I know he's grieving and having a shitty time, and I'd take it away if I could but reality check. He had known this thai girl for 3.5 weeks, she's kinda moved herself in to his bungalow,he 'allegedly' didn't want a serious relationship with her. She at 21 (12yrs younger than him) had 2 kids already, and moves herself in with a westerner. Now there are a few excepting but generally a future for thai women is to get knocked up by a westerner so you have them and their money...oh nasty,spiky,evil, vitriolic woman scorned shit eh? He dumped her xmas eve coz she'd been rifling thru his shit and written over some of his photos (well she was only 21). We are not talking about a relationship that was destined for greatness, not the love of each others lives, more like convenient asian body to f**k without having to pay. So why the drama? Yes its awful she dies, and how she died. But...almost 9 weeks later she's still sat in an urn on top of his TV!!! What can't face to leave her now?Carried her to pp a week and a half ago but bought her back again? Am I being cynical and selfish? Yep.

(That was the family's issue, there needs to be a ceremony at pp viewpoint where he lets her go and the family are there, then her spirit might leave).

I cannot tell anyone who hasn't been thru the past 3 years or so of me and Boucher how many times and from what height he's shat on me. Although quite obviously he must not take all the blame (no, actually any of it...bloody women eh?) I have been stupid enough to return to him, to believe in some underlying connection, goodness, love. And it will surprise peeps to hear I am actually a stubborn, strong woman who other than with this particular specimen is not a doormat. Reaching saturation point tho'. Its all very well trying to be a good person, and forgive and n all that bollocks but what for the encore shake your hand and make you a drink whilst you anal rape my mother and sister in front of me?

Bitter,vehemence eh? Never fucking cross spikey Kimi...not such a nice shiny person. But will go before I smash the keyboard my little ones.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Happy, Happy, Hedonistic Memories...(about time eh?)

Well I'm guessing by now that my attachment and love off pp island life are about as clear as 80m underwater visiblity!!! Figured maybe it was time to recall a few episodes of much ridiculousness...

Pink Eye Episode:

This one was a classic. On pp due to the fab. tropical water temperatures (27 degrees+) bacteria tends to thrive, as does infection. Of course none of this is aided much by the constant incestuous activity amongst the diving community, the filthy,gorgeous buggers! So there were a number of outbreaks of pink-eye (conjunctivitus) in my time there, and each time it spreads amongst almost all like thrush! On one such occassion my lil jem Fire had caught it, and was walking around in sunglasses having been shouted at by her boss that she wasn't to go anywhere near any of his diving instructors. (Fire is hilarious, reffered to often by men as big tits, or girl in a womans body. I lived in the bungalow next to her for a few months and then with her before moving in opposite with Monsieur Boucher).

So after a heavy night out, which may have included (altho not exclusively) caprinhas,b52's, slippery nipples and buckets Boucher and I awoke in our bungalow in a mischevious and quite random rambling frame of mind. He devised the great idea of going to wake Fire up (if he was awake everyone else had to be too) but due to her contagion level informed me that for my own good, health and satfety he was going to have to wrap the top of my head in clingfilm!!! And that if I cared for him I'd do the same back (don't you love that still drunk feeling in the morning?).

So looking like a mutated bankrobber/fetish freak we awoke and scared the crap out of Fire. In the midst of our rambling we all decided that being westerners by birth we were craving fast food, and there being none on pp decided a trip to mainland phuket was in order.Boucher realiably phoned his boss telling him he had a dodgy stomach and the 3 of us crept thru the market, as opposed to the main st. so we wouldn't be seen.

Phuket was fun, fast food was had, and the realisation that it was the King's Birthday was discussed. Fire came out with some classics that day. Having spoken at length about it being the Kings Birthday (Dec. 4th) we walked out of the supermarket to a congregation of thai people holding candles watching a large TV screen and singing. Wee Fire, being not the brightest bulb in the box became incredibly excited telling Boucher and I how lovely it was to have a christmas carol concert so early!!! Other gems of the day included a discussion on the socio-economic differences between the yuk and Thailand, or rather less developed countries "You can always tell a developing country as there's no Karen Millen anywhere, they don't seem to care about fashion", and the state of housing, "Do you think those iron huts people live in are just like coucil houses back home? I guess the main difference is they don't need central heating or 4 walls here", and another of my favourites where she informed us that she'd always thought that dinosaurs were extinct, but had been reliably informed by her boss and a few divers that pterodactyls still fly around above pp!!! Love that girl!!!

Will share more shortly, so many keep flooding to mind-hehehe

Cheeky minx...Fire.

Time to take control?

Hmmn, in Thailand much is same,same as the last entry. This weekend has been a large advertised clean-up, and many of my friends, island farangs have returned to do their bit and catch up with each other. Many were out diving when I phoned, cleaning up the stunning marine park, removing tvs,well pretty much anything you can think off. The good news on that front is that the dive sites which are loved and renowned around pp have minimal to no damage, mother nature doing the job herself. It is the areas nearer the main island, Phi Phi Don, by the beaches that require help. Those who visited appeared to be coping well, and a gathering was held on Friday night for the thais and farangs that had lived on the island. Keun and vixen helped provide entertainment with firedancing and spirits were generally positive and ready for work.

Monsieur Boucher worked himself into a terrible state about whether to join this weekend, but decided not to, which is definitely for the best. I am in a situation whereby I may have to take control tho supersoon. Over the last 2 days a number of our friends in Thailand have contacted me voicing their worry and concern over him. It is one thing for me to be worried 6000 miles away but when peeps that see him start phoning me then things really aren't good. He continues to toy with returning to the yuk, but everyone out there says he needs out now. As I said before it appears he is in no state to make this decision himself so I'll see how phone calls and emails go over the next 2 days but it's starting to look likely that I'm going to have to go get him. The land of smiles calls eh? Friends say they feel its probably only me that could get anywhere with him now, and that they'd love to physically carry him to a plane to get him out but he isn't listening to them.We'll see...

I have now caught up with bex, who is doing amazingly well, fully focused on her physical recovery and keeping the info. flowing. I hope to go see her soon,if I don't have to leg it to Thailand. It is a lil chilly here for her tho which is causing her quite a lot of pain. Any of you that have had broken bones or operations know that pain and ache when its cold and or damp. So it looks like she may go to the states to recover for a few months.

She-gooner and he-gooner are good too,love 'em!!! Their flat sounds lovely and very them.

Turtle, he's a star too, even offering me money to come out and see people and to bring boucher back...he finds it frustrating tho sometimes, he wants to be physically shifting debris in the clean-up like the others but obviously isn't physically able. He provides everyone with emotional support tho, a friendly ear, a calm, mature (not old) perspective . What he is doing is as important. He also goes and helps out at carlitos bar, and exercises his shoulder and limbs using balls and poise to strengthen himself.

Much love and total respect to every one of those people effected and or helping out. Hugs x

P.S. Looks like this clean-up was so successful that another one is being planned and advertised, probably be around March 15th...who knows maybe I'll be there?

Firedancing on the beach...not a bad way to spend the evening :)

He-gooner and she-gooner...they can't help being Arsenal fans, everyone has some small flaw!

Friday, February 18, 2005


Ooh forgot all about a freaky coincidence a few days ago...

I had just finished reading a particularly insightful blog critique on Dart Vadar, and was in the midst of posting a comment when my pa started instant messaging me.A couple of minutes after the comment wa publishes and I'd rambled nit noy about the empire, my pa starts making reference to me being Persis Kimbutta(sp). I didn't understand, another blonde moment, and all of a sudden he starts mailing about the starship enterprise...

To clarify a lil, it was the end of a long set of 6 night shifts, and I became spooked and suspicious that this was pa veiling some knowledge of my blog activities, indirectly letting me know he'd found Kimi B Ley!!!

After some investigative work, and therefore no entries for a few days I found all my fears to be unfounded fortunately. Don't know what had set him off, but believe he was talking about some chick from Star Trek, but I hadn't processed that it was that and not a star wars reference. Also relaised the comment wasn't even on my blog!

Muchly relieved tho, didn't feel quite like deleting my blog as yet... One of those things, I have cultivated a certein perception of myself in my parents eyes and would rather not shater it as yet! The emotion thing is a lil intimate and beyond what I may want them to know about their 28yr old. Also who knows maybe one day I'll write the bare truth about what happened with Boucher, and that they certainly don't know. I also figure that at some juncture whilst riding my memory the subject of sex is bound to arise(altho maybe I should read the T's and C's of blogs in case they end up banning me), and various other hedonistic activities I may have indulged in may come to light. It is nice to still have that option eh?

Bex...what a warrior eh?

Hard and heroic times?

The weekend was a little harsh for my friends. A fair number of them have moved back to pp to help clearing debris, and Monsieur Boucher decided he'd go for one night. I received a photo message(the technological revolution that is camera phones eh?) of him, turtle and the gayer stood on the balcony of what had been Boucher and my bunglow when we lived together(it having been untouched by the waves). Whilst I realise this was meant to reassure me, I may have shed a drop of 2 of salty tears. Boucher had taken the ashes of his GF back with him to the island, he visited various places on the island and stayed in his bungalow, which he'd shared with his GF. He decided he couldn't leave her ashes there, that he'd take them back to phuket this time. I struggled with this, but really don't want to relive or think about that anymore...

Many of my friends spent a good deal of that day crying, returning to the viewpoint, to rough guesses as to places their jobs had been, to the beaches where so many had perished. A great deal of work has already been done, and I've been told by many that it is surreal. From pp scuba onwards the island is as normal, streets cleared, buildings patched up ready to reopen, almost as if nothing had happened. The beaches are empty,and suay mak mak(very,very beautiful), clear blue skies and seas, picture postcard ideal, until you turn around. With your back to the sea the debris is piled up like kindling, the devastation evident. For anyone that has visited pp can you imagine arriving on the ferry and seeing right through to the other bay? Merely a few palm trees still standing seperating the 2 beaches? No buildings, shops, bungalows? Then utter destruction...

West,Anan, turtle and the vixen are all back there, and have been for a week and a half now, helping with the clean up...all very brave. They say that there are a good number of farang strangers, toursits on holiday that have seen posters up requesting volunteeers to help on pp who turn up each day. So should any of you be in the general krabi,phuket area, how about sparing a day? Carlitos bar is now open again, with a few basics like samsong and beer for the workers, a lil bit of pseudo-normality at the end of the day.

Since that overnight visit Boucher cannot pick himself back up, it was immensely painful for him. This weekend is another larger scale beach and sea clean-up on pp, and he has been dreading the thought of it, feeling that he should go, that people will think he is lazy or doesn't care if he doesn't attend. Generally he is without doubt experiencing severe symptoms now of post-traumatic stress and depression and isn't too far off breaking down. I have returned to daily calls again, I guess this longer term stuff is what most people never hear about eh?

His guilt, his feeling of responsibilty and loss is overwhelming. He is labile,hyper-sensitive to events,i.e., he woke up yesterday as his bed was shaking for about 20 seconds and he believed it to be an earthquake, in case another tsunami hit he phoned our friends on pp etc., telling them not to panic anyone but begging them to stay away from the water. Sleep is now his escape, it passes time, you don't feel, you have a break...the immense weariness that actually continues to feed itself and spread like avirus the more you sleep. He feels pressure because he believes others are doing better than he is, so he doesn't want to bring them down, fights to illude with a brave face. He is unable to taste food, he eats but nothing has flavour...his concentration is buggered to non-existent, and he feels unable to make decisions or plans. The demons of depression, any decision takes on this extra weight, a vast significance in the mind. He is lost. No job, no home, no island...what options etc., For having been to the island again his vague hopes of maybe starting a new business with some friends has disintegrated, the lack of infrastructure in that area, the lack of tourists, the feeling of sadness whilst staying back there making it unrealistic. Why push and invest when for the next few years there won't be enough divers, it would be like losing everything again. I am heart sore for him...He is considering returning to the yuk, but feels such panic at planning or decisions that it is just a consideration. His money cannot last forever, and with no job and being in effectively a recovering disaster zone he will have to force himself to devise some plans.

I don't know, I feel the phyical distance would help him heal, the safety of yuk, is what he needs if only for a holiday.We'll see what his decision is regarding the beach clean-up tomorrow...but am getting to a point of concern whereby if he doesn't make the decision to come here for a bitty, I am going to fuck off the yuk for a few weeks and go sort out that beautiful, fucked up man.

On a more positive vibe tho, my lil cat Kimmy(am not a sycophant, Boucher named her) survived too!!! She was at our bungalow ran up to Boucher when he arrived,mao,maoing. She was nit noy malnourished and had developed mange but is now at the vets in phuket. Kinda made me smile!!

So on a theme, maybe check out if you like that whole wristband mini cult style. Blue wristbands with 'tsunami AID' in thai, english, indonesian and singhalese, 100% of cost donated to the AID effort.

Hugs n hope x

Kimmy...made me smile!
(and hope for the others..Smiley dog, Brain Damage dog, Pharmacy Cat, Bitch cat, Baby Bitch Cat,Fishy Cat, Cat no name and Dave numbers 1 thru 4....imaginative names for all you'll agree)

Friday, February 11, 2005

A few meaningless and very random rambles

Wanted to tell you briefly about the Whelk. I live in not so very sunny brighton with Whelk, who I've known now for12yrs or so. Odd story, met her through some drug buddies I associated with way back, on a particularly amusing and repetitive trip!!! Nothing like taking acid whilst wandering around and camping at night...somehow I always managed to acquire a trip toy, specific to each individual trip. Anyhoo am digressing, so met her that once then a coupla months later we started the same college, and both being jaded rebels/intellects/kinda trippy kids ended up taking philosophy A-Level and randomly being sat next to each other from the first class onwards.

Inevitably friendship pursued, as did days and nights of buying cheap vinegar red wine (well we were young and students), taking whatever substances we could lay our hands on, and dancing like indie quadraplegics at a weekly novelty island night (rarely made whatever class was the next morning). So why Whelk?...well we used to do a bunk in my first crappy lil car (didn't even have a stereo, we nicked a friends sisters fisherprice thing with huge brown buttons and batteries to listen to tunes). In the summertime, using the term loosely being yuk, we would ditch college and drive down to the beach. In one of our semi-daft, or semi-stoned states we decided we'd be creative, collect shit from the beach to make mobiles or windchimes or someat' from. Found some very beautiful multicoloured swirly shells, with a slightly tonic sheen to them which we took back. Upon arriving back and displaying our beachstuff wonders her pa may have pointed out to us that one of them was moving. And was a whelk.

We devised a number of inventive ways of murdering the rather nasty things, since there were basically sluglike and we were girls. I believe boiling water, and the dog were only 2 such plans, can't remember the details...too traumatic.

So our friendship continued and whenever I stayed at hers I did so in a sleeping bag with a hood and some rather funky technicoloured crocheted blankets her mum would make in a demented fashion whenever she was pregnant. Quite regularly off our nuts we would listen to the Magic Roundabout LP (only ever made it thru one side prior to passing out). "Blue is beautiful, blue is best. I'm blue, I'm Beautiful, I'm best." Then upon waking in the mornings I may have occasionnally performed whelk impressions in the sleeping bags with the hood done up tight(Kenny from South Park stylie). Pretty much since then we refer to each other as whelk...

Actually just realised reading that back that the story isn't that interesting unless your off your nut or were there, apologies. The point I am slowly rambling my way towards is that we were chatting this week about how nice it would feel if you could remove your brain from your body and have someone stroke it. You know the way you'd stroke a cat, nice and gently...would be such a soothing sensation, almost like a hug for your brain,thoughts,mind. It would appear that this is not yet particularly feasible but I liked the concept...(wonder if you'd see colours and all sorts as the hand brushed over different areas of the cortex,hmmmn)

Next pointless random thought is because I'm bored. You know the type of bored where you feel slightly childish, like you could lie upside down on a sofa so the blood would rush to your head? Well it is on the same lines that I'd like to be able to gurn. Do other countries have gurners? Or is it just an oldman with very rubbery skin from too much time in yuk thing? Wonder how you teach yourself to do that? But right now I'm bored enough that it would amuse me to pull my bottom lip right up over my nose!! Altho the urge is strong, it will remain merely an urge as I am not yet desperate enough to knock out all my teeth to achieve it.

Hugs x

Whelk...creature of much gorgeousness!

Stupid shit on maudlin...

Bill...doing stupid shit on maudlin ;)

At Willio72's suggestion beer will for this entry be referred to as maudlin(I like that;)).

To prove a point this wise traveller made that alcohol makes you do stupid shit, I am posting up this photo(which was obviously taken in the yuk, since I am having to wear many clothes)..

I may have managed to walk into a lampost,under the influence of much maudlin, and have a resulting eggsized black bump and bruise on my forehead which makes me look like a battered wife.Q. funny I s'pose,it had been a while since I'd done something completely dumn and blonde...Okay also managed to leave my keys in my house so after passing out from concussion in the early hours I discovered upon waking that altho I was meant to be meeting the parents for lunch at mine I was still very drunk,locked out and in the clothes I'd been clubbing in-oops. How they laughed as they pulled up and found me trying to break into my house thru the letterbox,with the accompanying black bump and in a very large jumper I'd borrowed, jees I make them proud. (For bruise see right side of my forehead).

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Out of my hermit crab phase!

Juice it up!

Shitting crickey, thank f**k January is now over tho'.

I really was soooooo January'd, it often(about once a year, with about 2 exceptions) seems like such a bastard of a month. Maybe that's just yuk tho? Subarctic (am exaggerating a lil bit, but if you've been used to tropical temperatures it feels that way), grey, overcast, rainy, still dark for most of the just doesn't inspire you to do anything, or leave the house...or in my case the superhot bath, bed, radiator or hotwater bottle!

A melancholy sets in, right down through your bones. Disintegration. It was a slightly more dramatic January than most. Drained. Ended up locking myself away, indulged myself in wallowing, processing events, and the pursuant emotions in their full seductive regalia. I felt isolated and endless distances elsewhere. I felt a little more that I really don't belong here, that I don't want to be so far away. The ache to be among your own, and the things you know. Longing for the old days and the way your life had been when it has gone, lost, you can't find it anywhere.

Then eureka-style revelations!Stop this self-indulgent exercise in futilty! So I still wish I could be there, in Thailand helping out and being with everyone but that's not feasible, so am not feeling as bad about it. There's really very little point in me beating myself up, or feeling guilty over something I can't change,eh?

I sorted myself out a bitty, stopped feeling so sorry for myself, regained some self-recockingspect. I realised that talking daily to Monsieur Boucher was not helping. It was merely reminding me of all that I miss about him, and about being with him, and being in love with him. I fell into thinking of him every minute.I was inevitably ending up stiffling tears, and dreading putting down the phone. And he could hear in my voice that I was low and upset, yet the purpose of speaking was for me to give him support with everything that was happening to him, not worrying him that I was upset. So now we don't speak everyday, we still txt everyday but we only phone twice a week. I am trying to stop, or at least not think about, the being in love with him thing. I am making more of an effort to be simply his bestest friend. Besides I promised whatever/whoever it was that I was praying to and begging on dec. 26th that I'd be happy just as long as he was safe and well, no matter what. So guess I should make more of an effort and be more thankful eh?

See no need to break out in a cold sweat or experience a sinking sensation in your stomach. I am okay. In fact I'm quite a bit more positive a ce moment, non? (Big sigh of relief)

Might I recommend "Stop Thinking, Start Living" by Richard Carlsson. Its not a bad book to pick up once in a while. Here is my pseudo-abridged/paraphrased summary (and therefore perhaps my ever-so-slightly eastern,hippy side becoming translucent)...
Thoughts aren't 'real', not in the sense of concrete reality. They are just you using your imagination to create an image in your mind of an event. It s just recreating past events,magnifying it, like its happening now, and making it last longer, whereas the actual thing or event your thinking about may have only lasted a short time, and is no longer real. I s'pose its kind of like a 6 yr old scared coz they imagine a monster under their bed. You wouldn't get them to describe the monster in great detail, and go over and over it, describing it.You'd tell them it wasn't real, was just their imagination, and only real in their mind so they wouldn't be frightened anymore.Negative feelings are caused by negative thoughts, so what good does it do to overanlayze the negative parts of my life? Just rehearsing them over and over, thinking about my problems, dwelling on whats wrong, endless post-mortems on situations? It just grows with attention.It becomes seductive y'know?Thinking is just something that we do, moment to moment to create our experience of life. But because our own thinkning is so close to us, its easy to forget that you are the one using your own thoughts against yourself. I do the thinking that upsets me, I do it to myself.So decided this week not to think sooo much about it all.Hmmm very deep eh? Guru Kimi B Ley on the warpath, I am a warrior!!! No I just forget all of that sometimes and have to remind myself not to fall back into the habitual response of a lifetime.
(Oh and on a theme, check out the Barefoot Doctor books, a heady, urban mix of taoism, buddhism, hinduism and general common sensisms...bringing it into a superhectic, 'civilised', western society... or have a squeeze at his site :

The powers of invigoration eh? I have my moments of being Miss Wistful, and of having my moments I suppose but its time for a degree of normalcy again. I may be temporarily in a holding pattern, and am not naturally imbued with patience but its time to ease off a little.

Heard this in a play I think: Why do people cry when they're sad? Because their eyes have to be washed so that they can see more clearly.

Hugs x


Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Keep on swimming!

Others' experiences...

After living the island life, where everyone knows you and your business, and you have to travel by boat for an hour and a half to reach the mainland you become part of that community. I have many very dear friends from this part of my life and these are some of their stories of the waves.

Anan, West's Thai boyfriend.

He was working on Loh Dalum when the waves struck, working on the beach as a longtail driver during the day. He was carried by the waves through what had been been the market. He is one of the few that survived from this beach. His 3 work colleagues he'd been talking to minutes before did not survive. Upon being able to contact West, she phoned his family who are based in Krabi to let them know he was alive, since they had been unable to contact him. Anan has stayed with his family since and been rejoined by West. Unlike many of my friends he wasn't staying with other people who had been through it and seen what he'd seen. The first few days were very hard but he spent many days at his temple. He is now coping very well and on behalf of his farang friends I would thank him for translating,reading thai script, and talking with officials and families.
West returned and has been a rock for many. She has spent a lot of time visiting people in hospitals, keeping the flow of information going, making sure people eat and function, spending time at the camps for displaced people from pp.

She-gooner and He-gooner

Were in their bungalow as the first wave hit, their home being quite far uphill.
"It sounded like huge machine starting up.We heard roaring. Then our mate came banging n our door to tell us to come and look.It was INSANE.At the bottom of our stairs there were houses,boats, rubbish, a river of water.No one knew what was going on. We thought it was a funnel cloud or something.We got our shoes and ran to help. The second wave came just as we were leaving the bottom of our house. People started running up-as did we. Up to the viewpoint-the top of the mountain.From there we could see the waves on the beaches. We could see non-existent resorts and shops and homes that were there only minutes before. The noise of people screaming-unbelievable.

At the top of the mountain we were safe.There were people who had made their way up from the beach, from the rooms, cut up bad.We spent the next hours tending to the shocked, the bleeding,those in need of help.It was so traumatic. We didn't know what was going on- what to expect, if another wave was coming, if help was on its way and WHEN?There was no phone signal-no way of contacting friends, family, missing...We felt so useless. The day was so hard and so long. I can't imagine how it was for the injured. That's why I felt so useless."

He-gooner's father and brothers were visiting the island for Christmas, staying on the beach. It was the next day before they received the message that they were safe and on a boat to Phuket.
She-gooner and he-gooner stayed with good friends of their's in an uneffected area of Patong. Their friends were also lucky to have survived, having been on a liveaboard trip diving in the Similans (just off Ko Lak) during the tsunami. This was a difficult time for all and with no means of making money, they have moved to yuk too.

They are very fortunate to be staying with he-gooner's family who experienced the ordeal as well and so are understanding. Both of them are very strong and have felt more able to cope with the physical distance from the disaster. She-gooner no longer is petrified everytime he-gooner walks out of the door that he is not safe and won't come back. She doesn't want to be near the water. They have some difficulties though, given that she is Canadian, and due to the way of working on pp has no documentation, rent agreements, pay slips, to show that her and the He-gooner have been living as a couple for 4 years. Many people have sent letters of reference for this, and the Home Office is looking into a common-law (de facto) visa, but this will take 8-12 weeks.


Turtle had moved to Ko Tao, but decided to spend time with his old friends on pp for Christmas. He was also in his bungalow at the time. He heard the noise, put on his glasses and opened his curtains. Immediately he saw a wall of water rushing at him. His bungalow was made of concrete and corrugated iron and collapsed in on him. His bungalow, the ones in front of it, and many behind collapsed and concertina'd together carried about 200 meters inland. Turtle remembers looking for light, as he had concrete and iron and wood and debris as a layer above him. He remembers looking and looking and starting to run out of air, unable to see a way up or out. He gave up, he started to swallow the water. Then he saw light, his instinct to survive took over and he fought his way to air.

Turtle was one of the first people airlifted off the island the next day. He sustained a collapsed lung, and partially collapsed lung, broke all his ribs, had massive crush injuries to his entire left side and pelvis, and a dislocated shoulder. He was flown to Nakhorn Sri Thammarat hospital.

We had heard from Boucher that he'd been airlifted but that was where the information stopped. West and I manually searched the lists of people in the various hospitals in Thailand, we contacted the embassy, those out there went looking for him at hospitals. 4 days later we found a name that would sound similar to a Thai ear and through descriptions and West's mastery at the Thai language discovered it was him, at a hospital quite far removed from the others. I phoned him, and he could remember only one phone number of a contact in England. Immediately I phoned this person, who contacted his family. They had gone 4 days with no news, they were giving up hope and thought they had lost him. One of the moments of pure joy since this started was being able to speak with them, tell them of conditions in the hospitals there(them never having visited the country), giving them the news they had longed for. I believe that his friends and family here, will always be friends of mine now. We speak still often now, and they even phone just to see how I am coping.

Turtle, no-one having known where he was, spent 8 days without any company of friends, which was very hard and difficult. Nakhorn is a very Thai town, and many of the nurses spoke little english (certainly it was a battle remembering enough Thai to get through the hospital reception desk, and trying to teach those phrases to his friends and family here!!!) The morphine and sedatives turtle had to take did not help mentally. He was confused, scared to sleep, in awful pain, and alone. He'd lost his glasses in the waves as well, and so all was blurry to him (I suppose this will only make sense to you if you are short-sighted). Turtle weaned himself off of the morphine after about a week, and his spirit kicked back in. I have spoken to him almost everyday, and the squeak is back in his voice now! In fact he was and is very positive, cracking jokes about the attention and bedbaths from the nurses, how maybe it wasn't such a great idea to go to pp at xmas. He also is one of the fussy ones who doesn't eat Thai food, and so he was living off marmite and crisps I got people to send him!Vixen is over with him now, and he has company (and a piece of joke plastic dog poo she bought over!).

The care he received was formidable, he underwent skin grafts, and 4 weeks after being admitted had the drain removed from his lungs (the blood vessels which run along the ribs had split, so he was bleeding into his lungs...this can be fatal).

He was discharged last week! He is able to walk with the aid of a frame, but as yet his left wrist is not working. He also has trouble getting from lying to sitting due to the pain in his ribs, but is really ok! The British Embassy have met all medical costs, renewed his visa, and offered him the use of an embassy car when he leaves the area, and will drive him somewhere to recuperate. I know he would want me to thank Sean, a teacher at the local school, who didn't know turtle before this but visited him 3 or 4 times a week so he could have english-speaking company, and has also put him up near to the hospital until he is well enough to travel. Also long-beach mark, who again didn't know him but at our request visited him at those times we couldn't get anyone over to him.

And finally to Gayer and Boucher who traveled to see him and bought him a beer, which they placed in his fridge as incentive to get walking again so he could get to it and drink it! (The great british spirit eh?)

Bex, was also airlifted out, initially to Krabi and then to Bangkok. She has been a trouper too since weaning herself off the morphine. She sustained serious flesh wounds to her stomach, back and legs and because it had taken 24 hours to be airlifted, she suffered some infection to the wounds. She has battled in good spirits mainly, through a succession of skin graft operations. She is worried about how her body will look, but in time she can have plastic surgery. She had her lows whilst heavily medicated, guilt and not seeing the point due to the pain she was in, but soon messages about socially acceptable class A drugs, and loyalty points towards boob jobs started coming out! She too was discharged last week, and flew back to yuk on sunday.

There are so many others, too many to mention by name,but all are in our thoughts and prayers.

We pay tribute to, and will remember fondly Heinz (the owner of Moskito divers), who leaves behind his daughters and wife. He was last seen running towards the wave to warn people. He has now been identified. We also miss Joy (a name no better suited anyone), our thoughts go out to Pers, her husband, to her family and children. Sadly she was pregnant at the time. She had worked with many of us at Barrakuda diving, but had become a receptionist at pp princess resort, which has disappeared. She too has been found and identified.

We are so fortunate in what, and who we have left ( a few of them below). Maybe we should remember to hold them that little bit closer, make that extra effort.Friendship is not place-specific, it remains and can be felt across the miles, it is an energy and a joy.

Sad that it takes something like this to remind us of the will to survive, the human spirit, to show humanity to others. The donations were staggering,Pakistan sent aid to India, Indonesia allowed Americans to help them, in Sri Lanka Tamils stood side-by-side with non-Tamils. Occassionally we can forget politics and see the people, choose humanity, and hope is manifest!

One last comment,one a good friend of mine from the island told me a few years ago during a rough patch. He had been out diving, and he came across a fish that had only one eye, and a bite mark through its head. He wondered at this fish. Upon surfacing he commented to his Thai friend who'd been with him, asking how does the fish keep going? The reply was, what choice is there, it will just keep swimming!


West, she-gooner and me.

The gayer.

The turtle!!!

Heidi, Ae and baby Lavoy (Ko Jum)


Message and Thoughts for Monsieur Boucher

I am thankful for him for more reasons than I can ever say. I am here loving him so much and wanting so much for him to be alright. Maybe I left just enough of myself with him that he can pick it up whenever he needs it and it'll be like I'm there with him. I may not have all the answers that will bring him through this but I do believe in him. He means the world to me each and every day and I feel that closeness even though we're so far apart.

When I say I'm here for you, I mean it for as often and as long and whatever way you need me. I send love and strength to my bestest friend.


PP was a comfortable mix of Buddhists and Muslims. The Thai people I met in general are a giving, content and quite serene people. They have been amazing since the disaster, quite honestly offering tourists the shoes off of their own feet if they had lost their own, volunteering to drive people in their cars from the disaster centre in Phuket to visit friends and relatives in hospitals from Phuket to Nakhorn Si Thammarat, to the temples and mosques being used as temporary morgues, to Krabi...The list of selfless acts is endless. These are not a rich people, and many of those giving and helping had lost so much themselves, their homes, their businesses, members of their family. Some of my Thai friends have lost as many as 11 members of their family(Ae, Heidi and Lavoy), yet they were still there for others, translating, getting food,etc. Even now, 6 weeks later, many Thai people in Phuket will come up to farangs (foreigners) and apologise for the waves.

Their advice to my friends (almost all of whom have remained in Thailand) is not to think about it, that life must go on, to concentrate the mind on the present moment, not dwell in the past. In particular the Buddhists appear to be coping admirably, their beliefs and perspectives on death being that it is like sunset, it isn't the end. There have been many ceremonies held in the effected regions to ease the journeys of the deceased and provide comfort to those left behind, many of such ceremonies being inter-denominational. The Thai Buddhist belief system still contains elements of animism, from before Buddhism was prevalent, and there is strong beliefs in spirits. Whether or not these are your beliefs, the symbolism of the ceremonies has been a beautiful moving and comforting experience to many. Around the Phuket and Krabi region, one white rose for each of the deceased was sent floating out to sea a week after the event. Many of my Thai friends requested that I place a candle in each of my windows to light the way for those souls that were lost and confused. Huge gatherings of over 10000 people were held, each person holding a candle in glass lantern, listening to the monks chanting and blessing those lost. Then hundreds of lit canvas lanterns were released floating up into the night skies, again to light and guide the way for the spirits on their journeys. I hear also that in many regions walls of remembrance have been erected, and are surrounded by gifts, incense and food.

Much of this is necessary in the Thai collective consciousness, since there remains a widely-held view that if our lives are extinguished too early, or in horrific circumstances then our spirits remain here. The ghosts or spirits of those deceased walk around, sometimes not knowing they are dead. Many press articles have reported mass-sightings of such ghosts since the tsunami, but being primarily western fit this into our frame of reference as being post-traumatic stress or mass hysteria. Many of the volunteers collecting bodies and clearing the debris from pp refused to stay there overnight having heard farang ghosts calling them to join the party,"since they do not know they are dead, and think they are still on holiday". Similarly in Phuket, voices are heard calling for their children, sometimes screams, sometimes parties of ghosts getting into tuk-tuks asking to be taken somewhere but on the drive disappearing. As such cleansing ceremonies have been undertaken, monks are frequently called upon to bless and chant at the beachfronts, and the Thai people work hard at meritious acts (the making of good merit) for those passed to improve their condition.

A typical Thai Buddhist funeral is a beautiful occasion, where those present must try not to be upset as then the spirit of the deceased will want to stay with the living as they are sad. There is music and fellowship to banish the sorrow, and the belief that the spirit has learned what it had to from this lifetime, and will re-incarnate, therefore the sunset. The bodies are burned and the spirits released, set free to rise with the smoke.

Some Buddhist phrases of resonance at this moment:

"If you understand, things are just as they are. If you don't understand, things are just as they are"

"Sit through it, and let go of everything"

"No thought, no reflection,no analysis,no cultivation, no intention, let it settle itself"

"Pain is from within, not outside, it is your own state of mind"

"Let everything go where it naturally wants to go and you will always be successful"

Sunset...not such a bad view of mortality.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

In my memories...


There were many ebbs throughout January for me. Emotional exhaustion, questions and revelations I suppose.

Suddenly the world was confronted with a stark reminder of the fragility of our lives. I started to question my immediate, my now, and reached the conclusions that I was dissatisfied with my recent past, my now, and my immediate future as it stood. I am in the yuk trying to clear debts, to be responsible so that I can liberate myself from ever having to return here. Means to an end.But what about now?What if it ended tomorrow? I am not doing what I love, am not with who I love, with friends I love, in a place I love. Where's that vitality and joie de vivre gone? I am, and have been since I slunk back here merely passing time.

I've battled this a little ever since I arrived, I didn't take the easy bankruptcy option and escape again although I toyed with it often. I realized that I haven't made the most of being in Brighton, I haven't even really bothered to make an effort to make new friends. I work every hour I can, as often as I can, and life has become purely and simply about the money. This does not sit comfortably with me, I am not into the material, into possessions, and I dislike having to be about money to achieve my need to leave here.

I realized with startling clarity that in my head, my daydreams, etc. my home was pp and Boucher. That I didn't want to make new friends as in some way I was still there within our lil community, with those friends. I was wishing my time away, was elsewhere.

Iit also occurred to me that everyone else had moved on, with the exception of me, that I was the one stuck in a timewarp, living off memories. I don't know who Boucher's friends are now, who he works with, the people he would go for a drink doesn't include me. I don't know if or when I will see him again.

It is messed up that it is me trying to help him get over losing his GF. More than this belief I had held on a theoretical level that if you love someone you just want them to be happy, I was, and am living it. It didn't really occur to me for the first week and a half that it was odd, talking to him about her, trying to help him understand, trying to help him look. Then I started to have days of really hating myself, taking issue with how I was feeling and handling the situation, the realisation that I wasn't as good or resilient or strong a person as I'd thought I was, or wanted to be.I had odd moments where hearing about her was hurting me, and where sometimes I would get off the phone and feel just so sad that he loved someone else, yet felt selfish and guilty about these feelings, like both him and her deserved more.I don't know how to word it. I am so sorry that she was taken from him, he deserved her, and she did him, yet she replaced me, made him happier then I could and I felt some degree of jealousy.

I remain so emotionally attached and involved with him that I can't stay detached when I listen to his pain. I can't just put my feelings or issues aside when I try and help. I struggle with the fact that I am not physically there for him, that other people are there for him in a way I can't be, can be more and better support at this time.

From the moment he chose her I have had to change. Something this random changes your life, it makes you question some things, and it makes you more certain of other things. I had to realise that if there was anything between us, he would know from this, that if he were in love with me, he would know and would want to be with me. I have that answer. I am still in love with him but I guess for the first time I actually truly know and believe that he isn’t in love with me, that it is completely final. I have managed to quite successfully fool myself that under it all he loves me and if I waited around long enough, that after probably years of on and offness we would be together. He has seen every single part and aspect of me, good and bad, and there is nothing more.

I had always spoken of some indefinable connection that just he and I have, a soul connection of some kind, an intuition. That connection may not be what I wanted it to be or thought it would be, but it is there still. He is still the most important person in my life, and not a day goes by where I don't miss his company, the connection is still real its just different. I am having to adapt and adjust the way I love him to loving him purely and simply as my bestest friend ever.

I try and struggle to adapt to loving him as my best friend but I honestly don't know how to stop being in love with him. We split up almost a year ago, and I'm no further on,am I?.I don't let go...I would love more than anything to manage to be just his friend and I have tried so hard .Almost a year on I catch myself referring to him as my boyfriend if I talk to people about him. I have given him every piece of me I haven't anything left to offer him anymore.

I would love to say, right now or never, but the answer is already clear. I would stay with him forever and travel the world and have his children if he wanted it, and I know he really does't. I can't envisage a time in my life that I could meet up with him again and not love him and want to jump into bed with him...and that is more than what best friends think about each other. I feel too much for him still after all this time and don't know when or even if I will see him again...

He lives so far away, and is right it wasn't and shouldn't be weird to be with someone new especially since we haven't seen each other for over 7 months. I have had to fully realise that I've been holding on to something that will never happen, for almost a year

When I feel sad or flat like this I just remember times when he'd just tickle me to make me smile, sniff my cheek, and hug me all day in the comfy chair, or in bed watching ubc, and that's what I want.

How disrespectful is that to him and to her? I know he loves her and he hurts so much, and yet still I can't stop the feelings I have for him.

Why can't I let go? Do I just wait and wait? Same shit, a year on...its so repetitive. I feel like I'm letting him down, should pretend to be stronger. How awkward does this make him feel? So it goes round and round, yo-yo's...

May be living in Brighton, but this is the elsewhere I've been in my head...

Monday, February 07, 2005

January...bring on the SSRI's

Well the weeks following the tsunami have been very long, very draining and very sad.The abridged version is as follows (as I really don't want to relive it!).

As I have laboured previously Monsieur Boucher and myself are no longer a couple. This however has not changed how I feel about him but we are not in a relationship anymore. He had started seeing someone new on the island, and he was really into her. They were pretty much living together, which had meant a late change in plans we had made prior to them meeting, for me to go and stay with him for january. Anyway when it comes down to it, Boucher was happy, and when you love someone you just want for them to be happy,I was just so sad that it wasn't me that could do this for him. If you were aware of our past, it may make more sense but he hates hurting me, and so the very fact that he told me about her showed how amazing she was, and how special and important to him. When asked who he wanted to go home with on his birthday, I was second choice, she meant that much to him.

In all the confusion and mass evacuations he had assumed that he would meet up with his girlfriend in phuket, at the emergency centre, but shortly it became apparent that she was missing. I spoke with him daily, and in my thoughts I was there with him. She was a thai woman. Thai people are known by their nicknames, not their full thai names. This made all efforts to find information on her almost impossible since he didn't know her real name.As such trawling through lists of people in hospital wasn't possible, the thai provincial government could not help and all her work records had been lost in the waves. She had recently started a new job at the adventure club, and that day it was her turn to man the office on loh dalum, near the pavillion resort and charlies. This area no longer exists, and tragically was the worst affected area on the island.

Boucher was a hero throughout, he tried everything to find out about her, including adverts in newspapers, contacting any friends of hers he knew, her boss, visiting the hospitals,appeals for information on tv, phoning the hospitals, hoping. Everyday he would start all over again.He went through the photos of the deceased, he even spent a few days at the temples in krabi, where bodies found on pp were bought for identification, and use as a temporary morgue. We are not made to see such sights. Many of the bodies were totally unrecognisable, male/female, thai or foreigner, this wave was indiscriminate, most of the bodies were bloated and black from the water. Boucher showed such respect to her in all his efforts, in all he put himself through. For those who are missing people the wait is excruitiating, images push themselves into your mind, the frustration and helplessness is so long and draining, and you just want to know, either way,you want out of the limbo, out of the pain of waiting.

Two weeks after the waves, Boucher was given the addresses of her family, I don't know how or from who. On 9th january he was told that she had been identified, and cremated 3 days previously. I cried for him, I physically hurt for him, because what he felt for her I feel for him, and cannot imagine that pain. I cried for her. At times like those, as awful as such news is, you feel relieved that she was found. We must be grateful and take some comfort that she was returned to her family who loved her, and cremated in line with her and her family's beliefs as buddhists. For her, amongst the thousands taken in thailand there was some ceremony, some closure for her family and loved ones. Boucher was welcomed by her family, and anan helped translate for them for which I will be always thankful. Boucher was told that he was to try not to be upset and cry since her spirit would want to stay. All of his efforts were for her, which in the buddhist tradition would have been good merit-making, and hopefully eased her journey. He visited the temple, where the monks gave him some of her ashes, blessed some bones for him and gave him a scarf whcih they had blessed. He is to keep the scarf, but he is thinking about returning her ashes to pp, to the viewpoint once pp is beautiful again.

I am so proud of him. If it were possible to take someone's pain and hurt and go through it for them I would have three times over.He did so much and carried on through what were almost insurmountable frustrations. He continued when many would have given up.

I don't know her full story, I never met her but believe that her memory should be cherished. She was only 21 years old, a thai girl who had moved to pp because the village she was from didn't really offer her a future. She had 2 children who are left behind. She had never learnt how to swim (not that this would have made a difference), and was a little scared of the sea. I have heard that she was a sweet, incredibly beautiful girl...and although no-one deserves what the wave bought it is harder perhaps to accept when it is someone so good, just trying to make a future for herself. I have no doubt she was a very special person. As blunt as it sounds many of those who perished were knocked unconcsious before they drowned, so we must hope that is was mercifully quick, painless and that they didn't register or know what was happening.

Boucher has many what ifs? What if he had taught her swim, what if he had told her about the warning signs of tsunamis...why was she at that location on that day, why her specifically and not others. The tsunami took so many good people from us, it is incomprehensible, unfair and sickening. It may almost have been easier if it had been an act of war, there could have been someone, something to blame, some slight comprehension. There is a lot of confusion and anger, and survivor guilt. You never expect the words you speak to be the last ones you may say to someone. Things said, or left unsaid. 2 days before the wave he had split up with her. He wasn't to know this would happen, and he had valid, fair reasons for doing so.Monsieur experiences terrible guilt, and terrible sadness for her, he feels at times that he made her last 2 days difficult. But if he knew about this blog, I would say to him that everything he did for her, was because she was special to him, it showed the most total respect and devotion. Instead of those 2 days, what about the 3 or 4 weeks before?He gave her that incredible feeling you get at the start of a new relationship, that beautiful feeling of excitement and feeling special to someone. She was lucky to have met him, and he was so fortunate to have known her,and shared time with her, if only for a short time. People come into your life and touch it in their own individual way and we must feel gratitude for their place in our lives, not lose sight of the beautiful feelings we had for them. Sadly sometimes we don't even know how much we feel for someone until they are gone from us.