Hard and heroic times?

The weekend was a little harsh for my friends. A fair number of them have moved back to pp to help clearing debris, and Monsieur Boucher decided he'd go for one night. I received a photo message(the technological revolution that is camera phones eh?) of him, turtle and the gayer stood on the balcony of what had been Boucher and my bunglow when we lived together(it having been untouched by the waves). Whilst I realise this was meant to reassure me, I may have shed a drop of 2 of salty tears. Boucher had taken the ashes of his GF back with him to the island, he visited various places on the island and stayed in his bungalow, which he'd shared with his GF. He decided he couldn't leave her ashes there, that he'd take them back to phuket this time. I struggled with this, but really don't want to relive or think about that anymore...

Many of my friends spent a good deal of that day crying, returning to the viewpoint, to rough guesses as to places their jobs had been, to the beaches where so many had perished. A great deal of work has already been done, and I've been told by many that it is surreal. From pp scuba onwards the island is as normal, streets cleared, buildings patched up ready to reopen, almost as if nothing had happened. The beaches are empty,and suay mak mak(very,very beautiful), clear blue skies and seas, picture postcard ideal, until you turn around. With your back to the sea the debris is piled up like kindling, the devastation evident. For anyone that has visited pp can you imagine arriving on the ferry and seeing right through to the other bay? Merely a few palm trees still standing seperating the 2 beaches? No buildings, shops, bungalows? Then utter destruction...

West,Anan, turtle and the vixen are all back there, and have been for a week and a half now, helping with the clean up...all very brave. They say that there are a good number of farang strangers, toursits on holiday that have seen posters up requesting volunteeers to help on pp who turn up each day. So should any of you be in the general krabi,phuket area, how about sparing a day? Carlitos bar is now open again, with a few basics like samsong and beer for the workers, a lil bit of pseudo-normality at the end of the day.

Since that overnight visit Boucher cannot pick himself back up, it was immensely painful for him. This weekend is another larger scale beach and sea clean-up on pp, and he has been dreading the thought of it, feeling that he should go, that people will think he is lazy or doesn't care if he doesn't attend. Generally he is without doubt experiencing severe symptoms now of post-traumatic stress and depression and isn't too far off breaking down. I have returned to daily calls again, I guess this longer term stuff is what most people never hear about eh?

His guilt, his feeling of responsibilty and loss is overwhelming. He is labile,hyper-sensitive to events,i.e., he woke up yesterday as his bed was shaking for about 20 seconds and he believed it to be an earthquake, in case another tsunami hit he phoned our friends on pp etc., telling them not to panic anyone but begging them to stay away from the water. Sleep is now his escape, it passes time, you don't feel, you have a break...the immense weariness that actually continues to feed itself and spread like avirus the more you sleep. He feels pressure because he believes others are doing better than he is, so he doesn't want to bring them down, fights to illude with a brave face. He is unable to taste food, he eats but nothing has flavour...his concentration is buggered to non-existent, and he feels unable to make decisions or plans. The demons of depression, any decision takes on this extra weight, a vast significance in the mind. He is lost. No job, no home, no island...what options etc., For having been to the island again his vague hopes of maybe starting a new business with some friends has disintegrated, the lack of infrastructure in that area, the lack of tourists, the feeling of sadness whilst staying back there making it unrealistic. Why push and invest when for the next few years there won't be enough divers, it would be like losing everything again. I am heart sore for him...He is considering returning to the yuk, but feels such panic at planning or decisions that it is just a consideration. His money cannot last forever, and with no job and being in effectively a recovering disaster zone he will have to force himself to devise some plans.

I don't know, I feel the phyical distance would help him heal, the safety of yuk, is what he needs if only for a holiday.We'll see what his decision is regarding the beach clean-up tomorrow...but am getting to a point of concern whereby if he doesn't make the decision to come here for a bitty, I am going to fuck off the yuk for a few weeks and go sort out that beautiful, fucked up man.

On a more positive vibe tho, my lil cat Kimmy(am not a sycophant, Boucher named her) survived too!!! She was at our bungalow ran up to Boucher when he arrived,mao,maoing. She was nit noy malnourished and had developed mange but is now at the vets in phuket. Kinda made me smile!!

So on a theme, maybe check out http://www.weartsunamiaid.org if you like that whole wristband mini cult style. Blue wristbands with 'tsunami AID' in thai, english, indonesian and singhalese, 100% of cost donated to the AID effort.

Hugs n hope x