Juice it up!

Shitting crickey, thank f**k January is now over tho'.

I really was soooooo January'd, it often(about once a year, with about 2 exceptions) seems like such a bastard of a month. Maybe that's just yuk tho? Subarctic (am exaggerating a lil bit, but if you've been used to tropical temperatures it feels that way), grey, overcast, rainy, still dark for most of the day...it just doesn't inspire you to do anything, or leave the house...or in my case the superhot bath, bed, radiator or hotwater bottle!

A melancholy sets in, right down through your bones. Disintegration. It was a slightly more dramatic January than most. Drained. Ended up locking myself away, indulged myself in wallowing, processing events, and the pursuant emotions in their full seductive regalia. I felt isolated and endless distances elsewhere. I felt a little more that I really don't belong here, that I don't want to be so far away. The ache to be among your own, and the things you know. Longing for the old days and the way your life had been when it has gone, lost, you can't find it anywhere.

Then eureka-style revelations!Stop this self-indulgent exercise in futilty! So I still wish I could be there, in Thailand helping out and being with everyone but that's not feasible, so am not feeling as bad about it. There's really very little point in me beating myself up, or feeling guilty over something I can't change,eh?

I sorted myself out a bitty, stopped feeling so sorry for myself, regained some self-recockingspect. I realised that talking daily to Monsieur Boucher was not helping. It was merely reminding me of all that I miss about him, and about being with him, and being in love with him. I fell into thinking of him every minute.I was inevitably ending up stiffling tears, and dreading putting down the phone. And he could hear in my voice that I was low and upset, yet the purpose of speaking was for me to give him support with everything that was happening to him, not worrying him that I was upset. So now we don't speak everyday, we still txt everyday but we only phone twice a week. I am trying to stop, or at least not think about, the being in love with him thing. I am making more of an effort to be simply his bestest friend. Besides I promised whatever/whoever it was that I was praying to and begging on dec. 26th that I'd be happy just as long as he was safe and well, no matter what. So guess I should make more of an effort and be more thankful eh?

See no need to break out in a cold sweat or experience a sinking sensation in your stomach. I am okay. In fact I'm quite a bit more positive a ce moment, non? (Big sigh of relief)


Might I recommend "Stop Thinking, Start Living" by Richard Carlsson. Its not a bad book to pick up once in a while. Here is my pseudo-abridged/paraphrased summary (and therefore perhaps my ever-so-slightly eastern,hippy side becoming translucent)...
Thoughts aren't 'real', not in the sense of concrete reality. They are just you using your imagination to create an image in your mind of an event. It s just recreating past events,magnifying it, like its happening now, and making it last longer, whereas the actual thing or event your thinking about may have only lasted a short time, and is no longer real. I s'pose its kind of like a 6 yr old scared coz they imagine a monster under their bed. You wouldn't get them to describe the monster in great detail, and go over and over it, describing it.You'd tell them it wasn't real, was just their imagination, and only real in their mind so they wouldn't be frightened anymore.Negative feelings are caused by negative thoughts, so what good does it do to overanlayze the negative parts of my life? Just rehearsing them over and over, thinking about my problems, dwelling on whats wrong, endless post-mortems on situations? It just grows with attention.It becomes seductive y'know?Thinking is just something that we do, moment to moment to create our experience of life. But because our own thinkning is so close to us, its easy to forget that you are the one using your own thoughts against yourself. I do the thinking that upsets me, I do it to myself.So decided this week not to think sooo much about it all.Hmmm very deep eh? Guru Kimi B Ley on the warpath, I am a warrior!!! No I just forget all of that sometimes and have to remind myself not to fall back into the habitual response of a lifetime.
(Oh and on a theme, check out the Barefoot Doctor books, a heady, urban mix of taoism, buddhism, hinduism and general common sensisms...bringing it into a superhectic, 'civilised', western society... or have a squeeze at his site :http://www.barefootdoctor.com

The powers of invigoration eh? I have my moments of being Miss Wistful, and of having my moments I suppose but its time for a degree of normalcy again. I may be temporarily in a holding pattern, and am not naturally imbued with patience but its time to ease off a little.

Heard this in a play I think: Why do people cry when they're sad? Because their eyes have to be washed so that they can see more clearly.

Hugs x