Ebbs

There were many ebbs throughout January for me. Emotional exhaustion, questions and revelations I suppose.

Suddenly the world was confronted with a stark reminder of the fragility of our lives. I started to question my immediate, my now, and reached the conclusions that I was dissatisfied with my recent past, my now, and my immediate future as it stood. I am in the yuk trying to clear debts, to be responsible so that I can liberate myself from ever having to return here. Means to an end.But what about now?What if it ended tomorrow? I am not doing what I love, am not with who I love, with friends I love, in a place I love. Where's that vitality and joie de vivre gone? I am, and have been since I slunk back here merely passing time.

I've battled this a little ever since I arrived, I didn't take the easy bankruptcy option and escape again although I toyed with it often. I realized that I haven't made the most of being in Brighton, I haven't even really bothered to make an effort to make new friends. I work every hour I can, as often as I can, and life has become purely and simply about the money. This does not sit comfortably with me, I am not into the material, into possessions, and I dislike having to be about money to achieve my need to leave here.

I realized with startling clarity that in my head, my daydreams, etc. my home was pp and Boucher. That I didn't want to make new friends as in some way I was still there within our lil community, with those friends. I was wishing my time away, was elsewhere.

Iit also occurred to me that everyone else had moved on, with the exception of me, that I was the one stuck in a timewarp, living off memories. I don't know who Boucher's friends are now, who he works with, the people he would go for a drink with..it doesn't include me. I don't know if or when I will see him again.

It is messed up that it is me trying to help him get over losing his GF. More than this belief I had held on a theoretical level that if you love someone you just want them to be happy, I was, and am living it. It didn't really occur to me for the first week and a half that it was odd, talking to him about her, trying to help him understand, trying to help him look. Then I started to have days of really hating myself, taking issue with how I was feeling and handling the situation, the realisation that I wasn't as good or resilient or strong a person as I'd thought I was, or wanted to be.I had odd moments where hearing about her was hurting me, and where sometimes I would get off the phone and feel just so sad that he loved someone else, yet felt selfish and guilty about these feelings, like both him and her deserved more.I don't know how to word it. I am so sorry that she was taken from him, he deserved her, and she did him, yet she replaced me, made him happier then I could and I felt some degree of jealousy.

I remain so emotionally attached and involved with him that I can't stay detached when I listen to his pain. I can't just put my feelings or issues aside when I try and help. I struggle with the fact that I am not physically there for him, that other people are there for him in a way I can't be, can be more and better support at this time.

From the moment he chose her I have had to change. Something this random changes your life, it makes you question some things, and it makes you more certain of other things. I had to realise that if there was anything between us, he would know from this, that if he were in love with me, he would know and would want to be with me. I have that answer. I am still in love with him but I guess for the first time I actually truly know and believe that he isn’t in love with me, that it is completely final. I have managed to quite successfully fool myself that under it all he loves me and if I waited around long enough, that after probably years of on and offness we would be together. He has seen every single part and aspect of me, good and bad, and there is nothing more.

I had always spoken of some indefinable connection that just he and I have, a soul connection of some kind, an intuition. That connection may not be what I wanted it to be or thought it would be, but it is there still. He is still the most important person in my life, and not a day goes by where I don't miss his company, the connection is still real its just different. I am having to adapt and adjust the way I love him to loving him purely and simply as my bestest friend ever.

I try and struggle to adapt to loving him as my best friend but I honestly don't know how to stop being in love with him. We split up almost a year ago, and I'm no further on,am I?.I don't let go...I would love more than anything to manage to be just his friend and I have tried so hard .Almost a year on I catch myself referring to him as my boyfriend if I talk to people about him. I have given him every piece of me I haven't anything left to offer him anymore.

I would love to say, right now or never, but the answer is already clear. I would stay with him forever and travel the world and have his children if he wanted it, and I know he really does't. I can't envisage a time in my life that I could meet up with him again and not love him and want to jump into bed with him...and that is more than what best friends think about each other. I feel too much for him still after all this time and don't know when or even if I will see him again...

He lives so far away, and is right it wasn't and shouldn't be weird to be with someone new especially since we haven't seen each other for over 7 months. I have had to fully realise that I've been holding on to something that will never happen, for almost a year

When I feel sad or flat like this I just remember times when he'd just tickle me to make me smile, sniff my cheek, and hug me all day in the comfy chair, or in bed watching ubc, and that's what I want.

How disrespectful is that to him and to her? I know he loves her and he hurts so much, and yet still I can't stop the feelings I have for him.

Why can't I let go? Do I just wait and wait? Same shit, a year on...its so repetitive. I feel like I'm letting him down, should pretend to be stronger. How awkward does this make him feel? So it goes round and round, yo-yo's...