January...bring on the SSRI's

Well the weeks following the tsunami have been very long, very draining and very sad.The abridged version is as follows (as I really don't want to relive it!).

As I have laboured previously Monsieur Boucher and myself are no longer a couple. This however has not changed how I feel about him but we are not in a relationship anymore. He had started seeing someone new on the island, and he was really into her. They were pretty much living together, which had meant a late change in plans we had made prior to them meeting, for me to go and stay with him for january. Anyway when it comes down to it, Boucher was happy, and when you love someone you just want for them to be happy,I was just so sad that it wasn't me that could do this for him. If you were aware of our past, it may make more sense but he hates hurting me, and so the very fact that he told me about her showed how amazing she was, and how special and important to him. When asked who he wanted to go home with on his birthday, I was second choice, she meant that much to him.

In all the confusion and mass evacuations he had assumed that he would meet up with his girlfriend in phuket, at the emergency centre, but shortly it became apparent that she was missing. I spoke with him daily, and in my thoughts I was there with him. She was a thai woman. Thai people are known by their nicknames, not their full thai names. This made all efforts to find information on her almost impossible since he didn't know her real name.As such trawling through lists of people in hospital wasn't possible, the thai provincial government could not help and all her work records had been lost in the waves. She had recently started a new job at the adventure club, and that day it was her turn to man the office on loh dalum, near the pavillion resort and charlies. This area no longer exists, and tragically was the worst affected area on the island.

Boucher was a hero throughout, he tried everything to find out about her, including adverts in newspapers, contacting any friends of hers he knew, her boss, visiting the hospitals,appeals for information on tv, phoning the hospitals, hoping. Everyday he would start all over again.He went through the photos of the deceased, he even spent a few days at the temples in krabi, where bodies found on pp were bought for identification, and use as a temporary morgue. We are not made to see such sights. Many of the bodies were totally unrecognisable, male/female, thai or foreigner, this wave was indiscriminate, most of the bodies were bloated and black from the water. Boucher showed such respect to her in all his efforts, in all he put himself through. For those who are missing people the wait is excruitiating, images push themselves into your mind, the frustration and helplessness is so long and draining, and you just want to know, either way,you want out of the limbo, out of the pain of waiting.

Two weeks after the waves, Boucher was given the addresses of her family, I don't know how or from who. On 9th january he was told that she had been identified, and cremated 3 days previously. I cried for him, I physically hurt for him, because what he felt for her I feel for him, and cannot imagine that pain. I cried for her. At times like those, as awful as such news is, you feel relieved that she was found. We must be grateful and take some comfort that she was returned to her family who loved her, and cremated in line with her and her family's beliefs as buddhists. For her, amongst the thousands taken in thailand there was some ceremony, some closure for her family and loved ones. Boucher was welcomed by her family, and anan helped translate for them for which I will be always thankful. Boucher was told that he was to try not to be upset and cry since her spirit would want to stay. All of his efforts were for her, which in the buddhist tradition would have been good merit-making, and hopefully eased her journey. He visited the temple, where the monks gave him some of her ashes, blessed some bones for him and gave him a scarf whcih they had blessed. He is to keep the scarf, but he is thinking about returning her ashes to pp, to the viewpoint once pp is beautiful again.

I am so proud of him. If it were possible to take someone's pain and hurt and go through it for them I would have three times over.He did so much and carried on through what were almost insurmountable frustrations. He continued when many would have given up.

I don't know her full story, I never met her but believe that her memory should be cherished. She was only 21 years old, a thai girl who had moved to pp because the village she was from didn't really offer her a future. She had 2 children who are left behind. She had never learnt how to swim (not that this would have made a difference), and was a little scared of the sea. I have heard that she was a sweet, incredibly beautiful girl...and although no-one deserves what the wave bought it is harder perhaps to accept when it is someone so good, just trying to make a future for herself. I have no doubt she was a very special person. As blunt as it sounds many of those who perished were knocked unconcsious before they drowned, so we must hope that is was mercifully quick, painless and that they didn't register or know what was happening.

Boucher has many what ifs? What if he had taught her swim, what if he had told her about the warning signs of tsunamis...why was she at that location on that day, why her specifically and not others. The tsunami took so many good people from us, it is incomprehensible, unfair and sickening. It may almost have been easier if it had been an act of war, there could have been someone, something to blame, some slight comprehension. There is a lot of confusion and anger, and survivor guilt. You never expect the words you speak to be the last ones you may say to someone. Things said, or left unsaid. 2 days before the wave he had split up with her. He wasn't to know this would happen, and he had valid, fair reasons for doing so.Monsieur experiences terrible guilt, and terrible sadness for her, he feels at times that he made her last 2 days difficult. But if he knew about this blog, I would say to him that everything he did for her, was because she was special to him, it showed the most total respect and devotion. Instead of those 2 days, what about the 3 or 4 weeks before?He gave her that incredible feeling you get at the start of a new relationship, that beautiful feeling of excitement and feeling special to someone. She was lucky to have met him, and he was so fortunate to have known her,and shared time with her, if only for a short time. People come into your life and touch it in their own individual way and we must feel gratitude for their place in our lives, not lose sight of the beautiful feelings we had for them. Sadly sometimes we don't even know how much we feel for someone until they are gone from us.