Alcohol: Troubleshooting

One of those random forwarded messages that I liked...

a.SYMPTOM b.FAULT c.ACTION

a.Feet cold and wet.
b.Glass being held at incorrect angle.
c.Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

a.Feet warm and wet.
b.Improper bladder control.
c.Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

a.Drink unusually pale and tasteless. b.Glass empty. c.Get someone to buy you another drink.

a.Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
b.You have fallen over backward.
c.Have yourself leashed to bar.

a.Mouth contains cigarette butts.
b.You have fallen forward.
c.See above.

a.Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
b.Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
c.Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

a.Floor blurred.
b.You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
c.Get someone to buy you another drink.

a.Floor moving.
b.You are being carried out.
c.Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

a.Room seems unusually dark.
b.Bar has closed.
c.Confirm home address with bartender

a.Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
b.Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
c.Cover mouth.

a.Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
b.You are dancing on the table.
c.Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

a.Drink is crystal-clear.
b.It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
c.Punch him.

a.Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
b.You have been in a fight.
c. Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

a.Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
b.You've wandered into the wrong party.
c.See if they have free alcohol.

The Chorus Girl and the Soldier

Entertaining the troops...

I have been indulging far more whole-heartedly in the joys of Brighton of late...days on the beach drinking margeritas,lazing with a book in the pavillion gardens, trying out the ocassional new club and eateries, I've even made it into the sea for a swim a few times (yep, in this country!).

My latest and probably most fun foray was an all-nighter this weekend...it's been a while since I left a club and it was daylight, but somehow these aching bones, and very sore feet made it till 6.40am (thanks to all my divine gay men who kindly would remove my heels and massage my feet each time I almost gave in to the pain) Have decided I love all things burlesque...muchos class darh-lings!

Seagulls!

Long time readers may recall my poorly disguised dislike of seagulls. I wish to further prove their evil-ity by referring them to this article about a load of the buggers that pecked a swimmer to death, yes...to death!

http://www.mosnews.com/news/2006/07/13/angreeseagulls.shtml

A wee random whimsy...

Well, I did the treehugger bit and normal service is resumed (as normal as my lil world gets). The somewhat divine Whelk and I happen to discuss the big questions in life with some regularity, and I felt it time I shared one of our frequently visited topics.

If you were obscenely super Posh and Becks level of rich and were designing your next house, what individual, whimsy rooms might you add?

It has come to my notice that some of the super-rich have included solariums, cinemas, bowling alleys, etc., and in line with this, Whelk and I would ensure our architect include a Fromagerie. Let's be honest, cheese is a joy, nay a luxurious, delicious, fattening joy, and frankly a room dedictaed to, and containing a variety of cheeses of all flavours, origins, colours and consistency for your delight and delictation at any given moment (much like a wine cellar) would be fabulous.

Treehugger Alert

Whaling - Grr!

The IWC (International Whaling Commission) held its 85th conference at St. Kitts in June, passing a resolution for the eventual resumption of commercial whaling by a majority of one vote. (33 countries voted for, 32 against, 1 abstained).Fortunately a 75% majority vote is required before an immediate return to these practices.

• In 1982/86 the IWC imposed a moratorium on commercial whaling in response to the depletion and devastation of the species leading to endangered status. Norway officially opposed the ban and continues to whale commercially. Japan initially opposed the ban but withdrew its objection following the threat of economic sanctions from the U.S.
• Japan and Iceland exploit a loophole allowing “ special permit” or scientific whaling, studying population, age, sex ration and mortality rates of whales so as to scientifically study whether whaling is sustainable, using lethal methodologies. Thinly veiled commercial whaling just entre nous?
• Scientific whaling is independent of international juristiction or control.
• Japanese scientific whaling utlilises the same boats, crew, equipment, in the same places as the commercial whaling operations did prior to the moratorium.
• The Institute conducting the 'scientific' research receives its funding from a consolidation of whaling companies, japanese fisheries and government subsidiaries which happen to conduct the collection, processing and wholesale of whale products. (anything appearing fishy yet?)
  

Ties between foreign aid and pro-whaling votes?

• Japan acknowledges in writing a 617 million yen donation to the host countries of this year's conference (who happened to vote in line with them)
• The Fisheries Agency of Japan operate what it calls a 'vote consolidation program' providing aid to the fisheries of small, developing countries who then happen to vote in line with them.
• There exists unsubstantiated allegations of paying the subscription fee of small, developing country members of the IWC in return for an accommodating pro-whaling vote.
• Japan lobbies for voting at the annual IWC conferences to be secret (see the retraction of their objection to the moratorium above).
• Japan endorse that commercial whaling is sustainable and furthermore that whales are responsible for the depletion in fish stocks.
• Japan voluntarily adheres to the rules of the IWC to be fair, whose rules are not international law.
• Japan disagree that the IWC is legally competent or interested in the management of small cetaceans, such as dolphins or porpoises, or that the IWC's remit should be include the welfare or killing methods of the large whales.
• Since it acquired the majority the IWC is now under the control of the pro-whaling coalition, who will set the agenda for the next annual conference.
• A week after the conference Japan announced it is increasing the catch allowance of its whaling fleet for two of the endangered species (as listed by the IWC), those being the Minke Whale and Fin Whale.

Minke Whale

Denmark, Boo,Hiss!!!

• Denmark, a neighbouring country and member of the EU commission sided with Japan, voting for a resumption in commercial whaling.
• Denmark represents the pro-whaling kingdoms of Greenland and the Faroe Islands.
  The danish population when polled were anti-whaling. So how did the danish ministers arrive at their decision?
  

So under IWC rules, a country has 90 days in which to withdraw or recind its vote.
Therefore if this all seems a lil, teeney bit wrong in your very valid opinion please consider lobbying the danish government to do so. You can click on the piccy below, or perhaps sign this petition. If you do I'll loves you forever and send you muchos telepathic hugs.

http://www.wdcs.org/dan/publishing.nsf/allnews/9740E541EFFD36F280257192002EEE5A
WDCS (Whale and Dolphin Conservation Society)

Pimp My...

One fair, sunny weekend over at my folks place we happened to be craving a bbq. My esteemed parents had the necessary foodstuffs in the fridge, however advised that the bbq was somewhat the worse for wear, and may in fact have passed (as in to the other side, dead, non-functioning,broke). They therefore suggested that we grill the food but still eat this outside. IT IS NOT THE SAME!!!! What about the smell, the smoke, the charcoally black bits? It doesn't taste the same, and it doesn't involve the manly ugg fire thing!! I was a lil teeny bit inebriated, along with my sister's beau, (The Babe - so-named in response to my sister using/over-using the phrase whenever talking or referring to him) and we were frankly not amused and somewhat aghast.

After a brief heads-together moment (touching base I believe you may call it if you're into management speak) we decided to see if said bbq was salvagable, and boy did we rise to the ocassion!!!! Wire-brushes came out and we gingerly lifted the beauty out for a wee service/clean. Note that I mentioned "gingerly" lifting her? Well as we did so the bottom shelf, one leg, one wheel and the shelf that supports the gas cylinder crumbled away (rust was a small issue). Unperturbed we located some offcuts of wood to use as chocks, and she was upright once more!!!

Ever the mechnics, and ones to take it to extremes we toyed with the idea of pimping our bbq, as in pimp my ride, or car or micowave even in that rustlers tv advert. Custom bbq's, a bit of spray-paint, some go-faster stripes, or perhaps hot-rod stylie flames, panel-beating and filler (for the rust-effected areas), alloys, lowered suspension, underfloor blue uv lighting, performance tuning, the addition of some nitrous-oxide... Well it all seemed like a plan at the time. Here she is though, and she did us proud, she functioned, a little high-milage but our food was grand! Unfortunately her chassis completely gave way as we returned her to her place so thanks for the memories my gas-fuelled friend.

Pimp-able bbq: R.I.P.

Dating Dangers

A good friend of mine is doing the dating scene at the mo., and let me warn anyone looking for tips not to act like her latest.

Part way through dinner this male specimen thought up this beeeaut of a line “ How much money would it take for you to eat or drink binjuice?”, he then proceeded to clarify that this is exactly as it says on the tin, all that nasty stuff left after you empty the bin. Oh yes, this was during dinner!. He allegedly looked somewhat surprised and confused that she did not find this “line” either “funny”, “cool”,“out there” or whatever other response he’d been expecting. He then proceeded to go on about how well the date was going, and as a friend of his happened passed informed this chap that he was on an internet date and it was going well.

This specimen appears not to understand the psyche of the single 30 year old female in brighton at all, just because you on an internet date does not mean you necessarily want everyone around you to be aware of this fact!!

'Ait

Well my fellow mouse potatoes, (new entry to some dictionary or another, the computer version of the 90’s couch potato) welcome to your free ride on the kimi-go-round eh?

Offside Rule - Addendum (Retrospectively)

To the rather stupid, absurdly politically correct (and probably old, ugly and fat) woman who didn't like my explaination of the offside rule, and accused my esteemed pa of being sexist when he retold it to her...stop being so serious, it was a laugh, and I'm female too you hag!