Addiction -part deux

Hmm, cyclical peut-etre, la vie?

Am going to write/gush about a girly matter, so if u happen not to be be one ignore this part... Female Intuition. Have had a 'feeling' for some weeks, regarding addiction/one of my absurdities (KNT) which has now been furnished with proof. That corner of my head occupied with this matter is therefore spreading out somewhat. Contact appears to have been resumed, unsurprising really when I inform one and all that KNT is back on pp and single (which is what I had my 'feeling' about).

Now as hard I endevour not to feel pleased about this turn of events, and marginally smug that my predictions regarding that type of doomed relationship are correct I happen to be secretly (in my mind and blog only) doing exactly that. Suddenly someone that you feel wronged you starts telling you the type of things you would like to hear them say.

Does everyone have that one person with whom they truly believe in a parellel universe things work out very differently? That one with who you regret the circumstances? That one you probably will to infinity have a soft spot, achilles heel for? I think probably so, as long as a person has the capacity for that depth of feeling.

" Raw lack of the manly tumour that surgical circumstance and infidelity had so efficiently excised" Hmm, my cancer...and as I was breaking the habit...relapse prevention required?

So I have resisted pretty well so far, but one can weaken, something may creep over my resolve, and I could succumb at any moment. The effect is strongest there on pp., or when tired, or emotional, or drinking...see, addiction, makes me feel good even though its actually very bad for me. Its this little, tiny shadow of hope, I like that for that moment in time he is thinking of me, seeking reassurance, that I may still hold some significance to him...I have a wish to be the one that he regrets, to remain...pride perhaps? I consider myself a relatively intelligent, rational being, so why do I still get excited, and feel happy each time I receive another text, hmmm illusory in nature? After all I should in fact deride his truth-handling abilities...

This is a strange turn in events especially at a time when I am quite content with my lot, used to and enjoying being my own person, independent.


"There is just so much that time cannot erase."