March of the Emperor (Star Wars obviously)

For the purpose of today my minions, I am adopting the above incidental music as my returning to the Blog theme music/soundtrack...a momentous occassion deserving of music of this gravity and importance ;)

Am going to provide the abridged version of my past 7 weeks or so, employing the ever-so-useful medium of bullet points...please keep at the forefront of your superior-to-most brains that if we believe in the principles of karma, I probably committed mass genocide in a previous existence:

• Land in Phuket - the peeps that are meant to meet me arrive 5 hours after I do
• My accomodation on pp is, quite obviously and by stupid coincidence, the very bungalow I used to live in with M. Boucher (good for one's mental state, I think you'll agree)
• PP FUCKED (more will follow at some juncture my pretties)
• Boucher - saw him twice, really quite vile (no doubt more to follow on that too...)
• Approx. 11 days into my stay, I did one of those 'stupid shit you do on maudlin' things, and proceeded in a highly intoxicated state to fall, forget I possessed hands with which I could break my fall, and so landed on my chin, breaking my jaw. Yep, smart move chick!
• Having broken my jaw roughly 10 years previously in the same place I ascertained immediately that it was fractured, fucked and displaced and attempted to cajole my fellow caners and wino type friends to punch me in the face at a specific angle to re-align said jaw. I seem to hazily recall telling them that if they were real friends they would grant said request , and it prob wouldn't be as painful as having done proper like. Fortunately they refused.
• Hospital next day, Phuket. Jaw is genuinely fucked and screwed and I require surgery, which will cost a mere 65000 Baht. Kimi, knowing she was holidaying back in a disaster zone, still hadn't been arsed to get insurance. Oooops! Kimi doesn't have this money :(
• PP, same night, muchos morphine, feeling nit noy sorry for myself, packing bags, early night. Oh, this would of course be the same night as the tsunami alert following another earthquake off Indonesia.
• Watch peeps running to high ground, fearing for their lives. All power to island goes out. Sit on a mountain till 4am. (One bit of good luck- wasn't eaten by mossies!)
• Arrange thru the embassy an early flight back to yuk, for lovely surgery on said jaw.
• My alleged 12 hour flight home, took 19 hours...
• Operated on the next day(April 1st-do keep up), all family, housemates and friends conveniently had chosen this exact time to all be holidaying abroad, so lil me gets to do all this on my ownsome.
• Come round from anaesthetic (which I s'pose was also q. fortunate)...My mouth is metal...nice! I have what feels like a Volvo bumper attached to both jaws with wires keeping me in proper allignment and fully clenched. Attractive! And liquid only diet, no oral lovin for me!
• Invented some great new alcoholic drinks since you have to keep your chin up at such times;) (ingredients will follow too)
• Approx. 4 weeks later, the day before the operation to remove the Volvo bumper, I fell down my stairs carrying the hoover. So again, my hands were otherwise in use. I fell and, go guess, yep landed against the doorframe on my chin. (It may be worth noting here, that this injury, due to being in a sober state was somewhat more shocking and exponentially more painful). I had suceeded in splitting open my chin, and having a few fetching stitches applied. Did manage to still have the op. tho.

Now, consider dear friends, that every word I have just typed is 100% true. You couldn't make this stuff up eh?

So brief status report, tonight is my first night back at work, I am still not allowed solid food for a min. of 2.5 weeks, so suggestions as to what meals to indulge in when real food can be consumed would be appreciated. Currently, and really rather disgustingly I am considering 3 days of constant big, filthy, stinky keebabs :) Fortunately my warped sense of humour and perspective has remained pretty unscathed, with the aid of alcohol and kinda spacey painkillers.

Till the next time (which'll be soon) eat something chewy for me.