The Beer Scooter

I can take no credit for this...its one of those random things you ocassionally receive through your inbox, yet is so uncanny I feel it needs a wider audience.


THE BEER SCOOTER


How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night
drinking and thought: "How on earth did I get home?"


As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from
the pub to your house.


The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.


The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to
the drunk by Bacchus the Roman God of Wine. Bacchus has acquired a large
batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following
fashion:


The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring
gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus, or one of his many
sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer
Scooter.


The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom
via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large
portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This
answers the second question after a night out:


"How did I spend so much money?"


Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought
to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking
Injuries), such as skinned knees and a sore spot on the top of your
head.


An undocumented feature of the Beer Scooter is the destruction of time
segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals
dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers
a third question after a night out:


"What the hell happened?"


With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of
Embarrassing Moments In Time) add-on, that automatically removes, in
descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one
person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often
lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time. Independent
studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the Scooter's
navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to the wrong
bedroom, often with horrific consequences.


For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from
other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These
boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe
up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special
anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house
and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the
bruised shins.


The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some Scooters is the
TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can
apparently get through 260 Camel Lights in a single night.


P.S. Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably
get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt